Poem: Make a Grown Man Cry

We wanted to provide this writer the opportunity to share her voice. Her anger & sadness are both raw and healing. We believe self-expression is an important outlet for trauma survivors and can serve as a path to peace. Her words are violent at times, and for this reason we are adding a *trigger warning* for readers, around violence and rape. Thank you.

Today I struggle to get out of bed
But yet I couldn’t sleep
Pacing mind racing
Not clear about what
But feeling fear
Write my fears rip them up
Reframe the images in my mind
Still panic sets in
Go for a drive
Still alone
Still hurting
Still not clear why
I think this happens once a month
So pull yourself up
Papers piled up
Work to do
But it sits
Can’t get through
I should feel free
But do I even know me?
Deep breaths as I gasp for air
Body shaking from the inside out
Tears about to flow
But I won’t let go.
Funny how being home can bring up this much
I thought I was tough
I thought all of this was over
So here goes words and images coming up

I don’t give a fuck
I’m letting it out
I’m gonna scream I’m gonna shout
Baltimore back I come
Bullets loaded grab a gun
Bitch I’m bout to have some fun
Are you ready
Bang on your damn door
Shoot off the handle
About to dismantle
Blow shit up
Yeah, I don’t give a fuck
A gun is the one thing that can make a grown man cry
As I hold it at your temple beside your eye
Listen up you sick ass fuck
You took away my life
You made me wanna give up
You were supposed to be my parent
Someone that cared
But you took advantage of me
I’m gonna make that clear
Remember the time when you came on to me
Showed me ur dick
Yeah you, you’re fucking sick

I stood in fear frozen
Trying to walk away
I went to school in tears
Wondering why
And what should I do
Should I tell someone
How could this be true?
I told and told, ’til I couldn’t tell no more
You lied to her face
Said I was a disgrace
A liar and a slut
Well who is the slut now
You you disgusting bitch go to fucking hell

I remember you punched me twice into the closet
And I did nothing to deserve it nothing to cause it
Lets go relive that moment shall we?
I want you to feel I want you to see
Feel the pain that you instilled in me
Except NOW I’m the one with the power
Ugh being around you makes me want a cold shower…
So back it up bitch there you go
Should I pistol whip you to and frough?
Oh come on little bitch I should at least hit you twice
Make you pay the price
Oh I  know It hurts like hell
Let me hear you scream let me hear you yell
For years you have made me feel like shit
Funny now here YOU sit
Begging for your life but yet you took mine
I guess right now your not feeling so fine
I love how the tables are turned
Except when I was in your position
Things were a little different
You punched me once
I said, “hit me again, do you think hitting a girl makes you a man?”

You punched  me again
I called the police
But surprise surprise again you lied
Said it never happened
I had  to run and hide
And Guess what bitch they never filed a report
No record
You were lucky
Because you never got caught

But I got you now
Caught with a gun at your head
I should shoot you now
Bang … you’re dead
But wait just wait that would be to easy
Remember the time you just wanted to please me
You made sexual comments loud and clear
In front of my family and friends to hear
Constantly I lived in fear
But not anymore I’m the one with the power
Yes bitch let me hear you scream for help

even louder

I used to scream
But no one would listen
I just went away and I went missing
They believed you but not little me
Can you tell bitch?…I’m FUCKING ANGRY!
I want to take this gun and shoot off your dick
So you’ll think twice before you hit
I want to blow your fucking cock off
Because you don’t listen when someone says stop

Yeah by the way I know you raped my mother
And you were the one the was supposed to love her
But instead you violated her body and broke her heart
And sounds like you have made rape culture your art

Well sick ass fuck, here I go
Take a deep breathe
To hell you go
Click, Bang, Tick
A bullet splatters. that. dick
Now you can live in fucking pain
And everyday you will remember my name
Each time that you go to pee
It is my face that you will see
Now never again can you rape another
And stay away from my fucking mother

Authors note: These words are my thoughts not a threat.  I would never ever hurt another being no matter how much they hurt me. To me, there is no power in violence.Writing is power.  Using my voice is power. Allowing my anger to flow through my pen onto my paper is my power! Connecting with other survivors and opening up about our experiences is power! Changing the system is power!

Writing saved my life and I will continue to work through my pain until I can find a way to forgive and find peace.  I will continue to make this world safer for all of the goddesses born into it.

Signed,
A Survivor Goddess

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